


what if...

by poketa



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Bullying, F/F, One Shot, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:02:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23298250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poketa/pseuds/poketa
Summary: It just feels like something big will happen and she can't do anything to stop it and Rachel just wants to know what it will be.She wants it to stop it from happening.or what if On My Way actually showed Quinn in Karofsky's shoes.
Relationships: Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray
Comments: 14
Kudos: 97





	what if...

**Author's Note:**

> based on a tweet that elliot wrote, what if On My Way actually showed Quinn in Karofsky's shoes.
> 
> TW: suicide attempt. self-harm. blood. be aware before reading.

* * *

Rachel can't concentrate during rehearsals and it comes back to the fact that an unsettling feeling has been following her around the whole morning.

It's like something big will happen soon, but she doesn't know _what it is_ or _when it will happen._

Regionals are coming soon and even her wedding plans seem to fall to the back of her mind as this uneasiness settles around her body, distracting her enough to lose a step at the dance rehearsal.

She shakes her head and starts a head count.

_1, 2 , 3..._

* * *

  
  


The next morning, Sebastian shows up at the Lima Bean with an _engagement gift_ that is nothing but a threat to Glee club and Finn's future.

And as Rachel instantly desists from performing to protect her fiance, the feeling doesn't dissipate.

It doesn't feel like this is the big blow that her six sense is telling her about. Sure, Finn gets upset, everyone freaks out about losing at Regionals but Rachel still feels uneasy as she eyes everyone at Glee club - everyone is there, sure, not everyone is happy but everyone is there.

It just feels like something big will happen and she can't do anything to stop it and Rachel just wants to know what it will be.

She wants it to stop it from happening.

Rachel walks out of Glee club with her head down, the uneasiness revolves around her stomach and she steps to her locker with many thoughts floating around her troubled mind.

Suddenly, Rachel snaps her head up as she hears gasps and noises coming from a locker nearby her own.

Rachel drops her crossed arms and steps closer to the group of people as she hears some part of the comments.

That's Quinn's locker - that it has been vandalized with red angry letters and a couple of pictures.

_QUINN FABRAY IS A DYKE._

"What…" Rachel breathes out as she pushes the people away and comes closer to the vandalized locker and reads the words over and over again.

Underneath the letters, there's a high definition picture of Quinn kissing a girl. If it weren't for the smile and eyes, Rachel could swear it's just another blonde girl with short blonde hair and high cheekbones but the eyes and the smile and the legs - the everything - that's _Quinn_.

" _No"_

Rachel turns around as she hears the panicked voice and there stands the girl herself, looking pale and ready to run.

Quinn is holding her books like anchors to her chest and Rachel steps closer to her but Quinn just shakes her head and glances once back at her but moves her eyes back to the graffiti.

The whispers get louder and then there are _laughs._

"But she had a _child_ with Puckerman?"

"Man, that's so _hot_ "

"Told you the obsessed religious image was _fake_ "

And Rachel just watches as Quinn runs, just runs, parting the hallway with her arms as everyone whispers and stares at the ex-head cheerleader running away from the situation.

* * *

Rachel sends voice message after voice message, calls and even sends some emails but Quinn doesn't reply to any of it and she sighs deeply, before sending another one.

" _Quinn_ \- this is Rachel" She speaks into the device, quickly walking through the auditorium, it feels like the feeling in her gut has gotten somehow worse and she definitely knows that this has something to do with what just happened " _Please,_ pick up - I just need to know if you are alright" she says with a sigh.

Rachel cuts the call and drops her phone back into her dress pocket and then moves her hand through her hair and steps to the mic at the front of the stage with careful steps.

There's a song - a particular song that just has played on repeat during the last hour on her mind and she needs to sing, Regionals aren't happening for her anymore - she just needs to sing _now._

_Life's too short to even care at all oh_

_I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control_

It's not her usual taste.

But she sings and the weight shifts around as she thinks about Quinn and the angst in those eyes as the blonde stepped in front of her locker and read the words written on her locker.

Rachel shakes her head as she remembers Quinn sending her a panicked glance before running away.

_These fishes in the sea they're staring at me_

_oh oh oh oh oh oh_

_A wet world aches for a beat of a drum, oh_

The whispers, the laughs, the gasps - Rachel can still see behind her eyelids the expression of every single person who was reading the words with her and observing Quinn as she closes her eyes and holds the mic stand with shaky hands.

Rumors are hurtful things but most of them seem to be true at McKinley.

_If I could find a way to see this straight,_

_I'd run away_

_To some fortune that I, I should have found by now_

_I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down._

She sings the whole song and the lyrics just seem to fit with the situation as Rachel thinks about Quinn and everything that just happened.

She just hopes that Quinn is alright.

_One more spoon of cough syrup now whoa_

_One more spoon of cough syrup now whoa_

The song ends and Rachel closes her eyes, she tastes copper and iron and throws them open again, dropping her hold onto the mic and breathing out deeply.

Her phone starts to ring again but it's not Quinn and the weight seems to lift and fall just the same.

" _Rachel"_

It's Sam, his voice sounds hollow and she closes her eyes as the feeling intensifies. 

Rachel doesn't have to hear it, because just somehow - she just _knows._

But she still pays attention to his words.

" _Something happened - It's - It's Quinn"_ he stammers and the sniff is just enough to drop her heart to her feet and make her hold onto the mic, just for support.

"I'll be there" Rachel replies quickly.

* * *

  
  


She doesn't remember the drive to the hospital, doesn't remember ever leaving the school, can't even remember leaving the auditorium but Rachdl steps into the hospital and nothing else seems to matter as she glances around.

 _"Where's she?"_

Her voice seems to carry through the whole waiting room and everyone turns to look at her.

Finally, Sam heads shots up from one of the rows and he stands up "They - they are - " He speaks but his words mix together and his eyes are bloodshot, his hair messy, his shirt has a blood streak that makes her throat quiver and she shakes her head.

Sam looks lost and Rachel can't help but run up to him and hug him as tight as she can as the blonde boy opens his arms.

"I'm - I'm so sorry" He whispers against the crown of her head, his strong arms wrap around Rachel's small frame but it's not enough to make her feel safe - she can't feel safe right now.

Because Quinn just tried to _kill_ herself and Rachel couldn't do anything to stop it from happening.

"How - how's she?" Rachel's lip quivers and her tears are rivers down her cheeks. The dam has broken and she can't stop crying "How's she, Sam?" she inquires, looking up at him.

"She - she" Sam stammers and he just puts a hand to his face as he cries "The doctors say we got her right on time" he replies and the streak of blood makes sense in a way that makes Rachel step back from him with horror as she glances at his face and back to the blue t-shirt with a red streak.

" _We?"_ Rachel questions as she braces herself, her throat bobs up and down as she swallows "You - you were the one to…?" she trails off as she can't find the words

But Sam just nods and the way his eyes just dim even more, Rachel doesn't want to know _how_ they found her.

"Thank you" Rachel rushes out as she glances up at his stricken expression.

But Sam just nods, seeming lost to do anything else but nod.

Rachel doesn't blame him.

After all, her clothes aren't the ones tainted with blood, even if she feels like they are.

* * *

  
  


Glee club members come and go, most of them seem to be having their own mental breakdown over _it_ and Rachel can just stare down at her hands as she waits for an update in-between Sam and Quinn's mother, Judy.

It feels like hours have passed but it's been just half an hour when a doctor walks out from the emergency room and calls with apprehension across his dark expression.

_"Relatives of Quinn Fabray"_

And almost the whole waiting room stands up to look at him.

"I'm her mother" Judy speaks hoarsely, her once proper hairdo by now is just a messy bun and her now make-up free face tells the necessary as she shyly moves her hand up.

The doctor walks up to Judy and the woman quickly stands, her legs almost buckle but Rachel moves to hold her as she practically glues herself to the older blonde's side to hear whatever he has to tell them.

His words are just too clinical, too incompressible to her - Rachel may speak with a dictionary but now, it feels like she doesn't understand a word of English as she observes the man walk back inside ER and leave them standing there.

Her knees almost buckle and this time is Judy who holds her up as both settle against the cool plastic of the waiting chairs and sigh.

_Induced coma - prevent brain damage - not sure if she will wake up._

And Rachel is the first to break into sobs this time, it feels painful to know she knew something was going to happen and to not be there to stop it in time.

* * *

They dedicate Regionals to Quinn.

The idea comes as a bittersweet reminder of the fragility of life and _bullying_ \- but it just sounds like a load of _bullshit_ to her.

Rachel is glad she won't perform this time, because she can't even seem to gather herself to stop crying or even leave her room to watch the performance.

The news of New Directions winning Regionals comes through a text from Kurt but Rachel just drops the phone to the floor and turns again on her bed.

Her phone rings with a call from Finn, loudly, for a few minutes but she just let's it ring as she sobs into a pillow and shakes her head.

Quinn's stricken expression hits her memory all the same and the next thing Rachel sees is Sam standing there, looking helpless with a bloody t-shirt and a lost expression on his face at the waiting room.

_We got her right on time._

Rachel tries to not think about Sam showing up just a second later to Quinn's house but she inevitably does and breaks down all over again.

* * *

  
  


Somewhere around a day later, Rachel has the strength to pick up her phone and call Finn.

He is her fiance, after all, they are going to marry soon, she supposses.

But then the reminder of Quinn not wanting her to marry Finn just makes Rachel drop the phone on her desk as the thought hits her, right there sitting on her chair.

_"Hello - Rach? Are you there?"_

Finn's voice comes through the device worried and panicky and she just can't do this - Quinn is still laying on that bed without waking up and she can't do this.

Rachel just moves her hand and cuts the call - she just drops her head to the desk and begins to cry again.

* * *

Quinn wakes up a week after but Judy informs them via text that her daughter doesn't really want to see anyone at the moment.

And Rachel stares motionless as she clutches her phone and ignores her Trig problems. Her pink bedazzled pencil hits the carpeted floor of her room but she can't bother to pick it up.

She isn't sure if those are happy tears running down her cheeks, because Quinn is awake and apparently stable enough to tell her mother to keep them off.

Or sad tears, because Quinn apparently doesn't want anything to do with any of them or _her._

Maybe they are just remorseful tears, because she couldn't stop Quinn from running away that day and doing that to herself.

The point is that Rachel just cries again, lately it feels like is all she does.

* * *

Quinn abandons McKinley just as quickly as she wakes up from the coma.

The news hit the hallways even louder than _that_ other rumor did and Rachel grips her pencil tight in her hand as one of the cheerleaders on her World History AP begins to whisper about the blonde.

And this is enough for Rachel who has been crying and feeling terrible for the last couple of days.

" _Shut up!"_

Finally, Rachel snaps and the whole classroom falls into silence.

"Don't you see it? This is all your fault" Rachel yells as she stands up from her desk. Her throat feels tight but she just pushes through it "Quinn wouldn't have committed that - that _horrible_ act - if it weren't for everyone just talking about her private life like it's their business!" Rachel shakes her head and the teacher seems too shocked to interrupt her, so she just proceeds "Well! News flash! It's not your _fucking_ bussiness!" 

She slams her fist into her desk and looks around, everyone just seems too shocked to reply, even that one cheerleader seems a little afraid of her.

But Rachel just shakes her head as she gathers her things up, being around her classmates, the same ones who mocked Quinn, who outed her to the whole school, the ones who pushed her to...to do that to herself.

She can't be around them anymore.

* * *

  
  


The bell rings for what seems like hours, but it's just seconds of pure nerves and self doubt.

Judy answers the door and the way her eyes look over Rachel, somehow it feels like both have been going through the same thing.

"Can I see her?" Rachel pleads as she stands there, frozen under the sunlight. She drove straight to this house after snapping at the class and losing it, she will be probably waiting for detention for her interruption but Rachel can't care " _Please_ " she adds with misty eyes.

Judy seems conflicted as she grips the door in a pale and skinny hand. Her hair seems even more unkempt that one week ago.

"I - I don't know, honey" Judy replies as she grimaces and the wrinkles on her forehead jump out a little. The pain in her eyes just makes her seem even older and Rachel swallows.

No one should go through such a horrible event alone, Rachel's respect for Judy grows a little more.

_"It's okay, mom"_

Quinn's voice comes from somewhere inside, it's emotionless and it grips Rachel's heart painfully but Judy just nods and steps aside to let her in and Rachel almost trips herself on her haste to see Quinn.

Rachel follows the older blonde into the enormous house. It seems like an endless walk of rooms til they get to a big living room where Quinn is laying back on the couch, looking at the ceiling, her face devoid of expression.

Spring means heat and the _Nike_ shorts make sense, however, the long sleeved t-shirt makes Rachel nervous as she examines it with careful eyes.

"Please, leave us alone" Quinn requests quietly and there's an hesitant step from Judy but she just nods and excuses herself to the kitchen.

The whirring of a radio indicates a distraction and Rachel carefully steps to sit at the other end of the couch, evading Quinn's inquisitive eyes.

The silence is tense and Rachel doesn't know what to say, when all she wants to do is _cry_.

"Why are you here?" Quinn asks and there's a little tint of something in her voice as she speaks. Rachel hugs herself as she hears her speak.

If it weren't for Sam, maybe she couldn't have ever heard that voice again and Rachel breaks just a little as her eyes begin to water.

"I'm - I'm so sorry for what happened" Rachel says and the way Quinn tenses at her words, just makes her close her eyes and shake her head "Quinn - I'm so so sorry for failing you when you needed me the most" Rachel cries and then she opens her eyes and can't help but gasps as those hazel beautiful eyes are onto her.

Those hazel and beautiful but sad eyes.

"You needed support and someone to defend you right there" Rachel continues as Quinn sits on the couch and their gazes lock but those eyes just look devoid of emotions and it pains Rachel to see Quinn likes this "It was an awful mistake to let you run off like that" Rachel admits with another movement of her head.

And Quinn just stares back at Rachel, her expression unreadable as she gazes back at her.

"Please say something" Rachel whispers, her tears fall down her cheeks and she sends them away with her wrist.

Quinn blinks back at her.

"It's that all?" She asks and the icy tone doesn't get lost on Rachel, this is peak Quinn Fabray from freshmen year and the change in her voice leaves Rachel cold "Then go now and leave me the _fuck_ alone" her voice drips with bite and the glare sent her way could've been more effective if Quinn didn't look so…. _empty_ inside.

Rachel shakes her head. 

This isn't even the tip of the iceberg of her thoughts and Quinn will have to do something better than that to push her away.

They may not be longer classmates or even members from the same Glee club, but Rachel cares about Quinn and they may not be friends, but they know way too much about each other to be acquaintances.

"Quinn" Rachel whispers and the blonde frowns at her "You can do your best attempts to try to push me away but I'll be here for you, alright?" Rachel says with another movement of her mind "No matter what day, which hour, which minute" the phrase enters her mind and before she can help it, Rachel says it "just _whenever you're ready, Quinn_ "

Quinn looks unconvinced but she nods.

Maybe to convince Rachel, maybe just to do something with herself but Rachel appreciates it all the same.

Rachel walks out of the house with a sense of accomplishment but then she remembers the long sleeves, the blood streak and the _coma_ and begins to cry, just the same.

Her ride back home goes devoid of songs and music, Rachel can't help but feel like there's no song to show how she feels right now.

Utterly broken and devoid of hope - is there even a song for that?

Rachel can just hear the chorus of _Cough Syrup_ all over again as she speeds up and goes back to her house.

The weight on her chest closes her throat and hurts too much to eat dinner that night.

* * *

  
  


She breaks the engagement two weeks after Quinn wakes up.

Rachel feels a weight lift from her chest as Finn just nods and holds the ring on his palm, accepting her words as his eyes break away from her own.

That other weight still exists there, nagging, heavy and mysterious but Rachel just accepts it as she turns away from his locker and walks towards the double doors of the school.

It should feel like a tragic ending, just beautiful but sad but it really feels like a beginning.

She shows up to Quinn's door with the news but Judy just tells her that her daughter doesn't feel up for visitors.

Rachel wonders all her way back home why her first reaction was to show up to that door.

* * *

  
  


They win Nationals.

The victory feels glorious but bittersweet.

Quinn isn't there to celebrate it with them - Quinn has been doing free exams and working from home and most of all, keeping all of them away from her and Rachel can't help but think it doesn't feel like such a victory without Quinn there.

She sends one text before boarding the plane and putting her cellphone on flight mode.

_wish you were here with us._

Rachel rests her head against the pillow of the seat and sends herself into a dream that has too much red, too much yellow and too little of actual rest.

* * *

  
  


Prom comes and as Santana and Brittany win both as prom queens, something just feels awry in Rachel's stomach.

Prom feels wrong.

The people, the ambient, the happiness - Quinn isn't here - she can't be happy knowing Quinn _isn't_ here.

She walks out of the gym with a direction in mind and Rachel drives there without caring if the door will be just thrown on her face like multiple times before in the last weeks.

The weight of the truth has nagged her for months, weeks, days and hours and she's ready to just acknowledge it and stop caring for the _ifs._

Rachel gets to the door of the Fabray residence and seems to forget that she is still wearing her prom dress and looking very much like a runaway princess from an animated movie but she can't care about it as she knocks her fist against the heavy dark wood and waits for a miracle.

This time there's no Judy to filter through at the entry and the door just opens to show Quinn in sweats and a soccer shirt.

 _"Rachel?"_ her voice has lost that edge of turmoil it had weeks before but instead holds another weight that the girl in the pink dress knows a little too well.

Maybe, just maybe this what if can be possible.

"What are you doing here?" Quinn inquires as she holds the door with one hand and the other lays idly by her own hip. 

Rachel can't help but seek the scars on those pale and lovely arms, She wants to know if they are still closed and not fresh but she just shakes her head and cuts straight to the chase.

"There's something I have to tell you" Rachel declares and Quinn nods, bracing herself against the door, her eyes seem wary but Rachel just breathes deeply before talking again "Although, I don't know how you will react to it, I'm done with wondering about what _ifs"_

Quinn frowns at her but just nods for her to keep talking. Her messy bun doesn't hold all of Quinn's blonde hair, it's way too short to be held together like that and the cuteness of it endears Rachel endlessly.

It seems like everything just falls into place as she gazes at Quinn.

"The past few months have given me insight into myself and others" Rachel starts and she breathes deeply before continuing "More about myself than others, though" she says sheepishly and Quinn quirks her lips up at her "The thing about myself is that I started to feel something so deep and powerful - something that made me afraid" she confesses and the next words are hard but she has to say them to lay her point across "Then I almost lost you and I realized Quinn" Quinn opens her mouth but Rachel just shakes her head, she needs to say it "I realized that the weight wasn't a weight but something better - about how you make me feel, how it feels to be near you, to share a space- " Rachel shakes her head as she breathes out "- to know you are alive and well"

Quinn has lost her grip on the door and Rachel goes for it, what she has to lose? 

She almost lost Quinn once and Rachel can't take that chance again.

"Quinn, I think I love you and - I don't know _how_ or _when_ it happened" Rachel says firmly, there she stands on her prom dress, looking back at Quinn Fabray, who seems ready to close the door on her face "But when I almost lost you, all I could think about, Quinn, is how I didn't tell you how much you mean to me"

The silence stretches as Rachel stands there, in her prom dress, looking at Quinn Fabray, in her comfy clothes standing inside her house, looking ready to run.

" _Rachel_ " Quinn breathes out, she seems confused and speechless and it grips Rachel's heart.

Rejection she can handle, Rachel can handle having her heart open and ripped, she came tonight to say her truth, to finally acknowledge the weight that has been growing inside her body for months. 

If Quinn reciprocates her feelings has never been important here, what's important is to let Quinn know that she is loved.

That someone cares for her.

That it would rip Rachel open to ever lose her.

"Would - " Quinn whispers and her eyes fly from Rachel's brown ones to a point over her shoulder but finally she seems to decide on something as she opens the door wider and moves aside "Would you want to come in?" 

And Rachel nods.

She doesn't know what it means to be invited inside this house after a confession of this caliber. 

Her mind tells her to not put her hopes up, she is here for Quinn and Quinn only.

But as she nods and steps inside, picking up her dress and walking inside the house, the way Quinn's eyes follow her. 

There's something less about _what if_ and more about _it will_.

* * *

  
  


Quinn chooses a movie and they sit by the couch.

At first, it confuses Rachel what it means to be sitting there, not even talking, just sitting and pretending to watch a movie.

But then Quinn's hand moves and slowly, _oh_ so very slowly, creeps towards her own and grips Rachel's fingers with her own.

Rachel looks down at their hands "What - " she starts to question but looks up at Quinn, who isn't moving her eyes away from the romcom playing on the TV and Rachel just closes her mouth.

And maybe, just maybe, it's time for Rachel to wait.

Rachel turns back to the screen but doesn't miss the way Quinn's lips quirk and her eyes sweep over their hands.

Prom night ends with Rachel holding Quinn's hand and sighing with happiness as her eyes wander and the marks in those pale arms look healed and closed.

Her mouth moves before she can't help it.

" _Please,_ don't do it again" Rachel whispers and Quinn turns sharply to look over here but her eyes are open and soft and Rachel knows a window when she sees one "I can't fathom the idea of an existence without you, Quinn" she confesses as she turns her palm up and tightly grasps the hand over her own.

But instead of replying with words, Quinn just shakes her head and grips her hand back just as tight.

It feels like a promise and somehow it's way better than hearing _i love you_ back.

Even if the way they are holding hands hints at something that makes her chest blossom with happiness, Rachel takes her wins one day at the time.

Quinns is here - _alive_ and healthy - and that's all that matters for now.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> and? thoughts and comments, always welcome!


End file.
